Examining the core

I’ve been reading through old emails lately. It could be the fact that I don’t have a night-job and camp doesn’t start for another three weeks and I have nothing else to do at 1 in the morning and I still haven’t figured out how to sleep on a “normal” schedule, or it could just be the fact that I like looking back and seeing how I’ve grown over the course of a year or two.

I’d say that had you asked me a week ago, I’d taken a step back or two, but now, I’ve come a far way and have continued to grow into myself and the me I want to be.

Ironically, one year ago tonight, I wrote an email to a friend with a fortune from my Chinese food that night. “Look back, and you’ll soon be going that way.” That’s kind of a weird coincidence…

One year ago last night, I was up for sunrise…again.

Looking back, I’m not sure I wouldn’t mind heading that direction, to be honest. I mean, I understand that it’s important to always be moving forward, but sometimes moving back is important, too. It’s important to remember where you’ve come from and what got you where you are.

My first girlfriend and I used to always have these great philosophical discussions. (I loved talking to her. She was a fantastic conversationalist. Incidentally, she used to say that I was the only person she knew who was 6, 16, and 86 all at once.) One was about a person and a person being who they are and always being that person. We basically came to the conclusion that life experience adds on to who you are, but a person’s core never changes. That’s why we felt like we loved each other so much and could survive a long-distance relationship, because we knew that our cores were attracted to each other and the stuff on the outside couldn’t change that.

We were right in a lot of ways. Of course, we couldn’t survive the distance for as long as we’d hoped. A year and our lives had drifted too far apart. I know that our cores would still be attracted if we were ever given the opportunity. (That’s why she doesn’t talk to me now…or so I tell myself…because of the very real possibility that we may fall in love again and it would jeopardize the amazing life she’s created for herself.)

That core is what we all come out of. It’s that core that makes us do what we do and makes us treat people a certain way. Sometimes we treat people a certain way because we’re so afraid of our own core that we push people away so they cannot see it. And sometimes, we let someone in and once we realize what we’ve done, we push even harder. And sometimes – sometimes we’re lucky enough not to hide and just to let our core control us.

So I look back at these old emails, and yes, I am heading the direction I’m looking. But I’m okay with that. Not because moving backwards is okay, but because the direction I’m looking isn’t backwards. My core exists outside of the realm of time. I’m looking back at my core when it was younger and less cluttered by experience. I’m looking at myself, and it’s the me I still am, and it’s the me I’ll always be. I’m not looking backwards; I’m looking inwards.

I like what I’m seeing. And if history is any indication, I like what I’m seeing when I turn my head around and look forward, too.