It’s the weekend of 4th of July, which means only one thing: fireworks.
I hate fireworks. They scare me. Every time I hear the bang, I jump a little. I also hate thunder and lightning, and I blame them both on the fact that when I was very little, my parents took me to a fireworks display and I was hit on the head with a shell. I think ever since, a flash and a bang in succession mean fear. It’s basic primal fight-or-flight. We all have it. I just happen to chose ‘flight’ when it comes to loud bangs and flashes.
While this may be my most pathetic fear, it certainly isn’t my only fear, and it’s far from my biggest fear.
My biggest fear? (Aside from being hit by a car without ID on me so nobody can identify me and I’m stuck unconscious in a hospital bed with no friends or family because nobody knows who I am, which is why I always have my wallet on me even if I’m just walking 25-feet outside with exact-change for whatever beverage I want at that moment…) Being forgotten.
Yup – while some fear death, some fear public speaking, some fear spiders…my ex-girlfriend fears teddy bears (yeah – I can see why that one didn’t work out…), I shudder at the thought of being forgotten.
I guess you could say that’s why I do what I do. I like to make a difference. I like to touch people. I like to think that someone, somewhere, remembers me – and hopefully the good things of me. I want to be remembered for my ability to listen and the fact that I’m always there for people. I’d like people to remember me for the fact that, regardless of things that may have happened between us personally, I will drop anything when someone’s in need.
I’m told I’m hard to forget. I’m told I’m a large personality. I’ve been told, ‘To know you is to love you…most of the time.’ But that’s not enough for me. I need to be active in being remembered.
That’s why I’ve spent the last few summers of my life teaching at camp, whether swim or archery, or my favorite, teaching how to teach to high school aged kids. That’s why I was an orientation leader, making myself known to first year students. That’s why I was an RA, making myself available to anyone at any time.
I’ve managed to do what I can about that fear, putting myself in a position that people will remember.
Now that I’ve fixed that fear, how do I fix my fear of thunder and lightning? When my campers are scared of huge storms, it amuses me that I put on this face of confidence and toughness, even though inside, all I want is my teddy bear.
One fear down, many to go!
Fireworks is an understandable fear. They're big and loud and kinda sound like bombing. I'll never understand why they're so popular.
ReplyDeleteTrust me -- you're impossible to forget. I've made a conscious effort to forget most everything from my life before the age of 14, and yet I still have a gazillion memories that involve you from elementary/middle school. Go figure.
My biggest fear is being alone. My two smaller (but hugely paralyzing fears) are hearing people sing "Happy Birthday" (it's worse when it's directed at me but it's bad no matter what) and mice/rats, in real life and in movies (which is why I'll never see "Ratatouille," no matter how many people tell me it's the best Pixar movie in years).