I have a friend who once described revolving doors as ‘the communist ideal.’ No matter how much work one person does and another person doesn’t, everyone gets the same thing and the output is even. For me, revolving doors are something else.
They scare me. I’m always afraid someone is going to put something in it that makes it stop turning and I get stuck in this purgatory – this no-man’s land – in between the inside world and the outside world. And the worst part, since they’re usually glass, you can see both worlds.
I haven’t updated the blog in a few weeks because I’ve been in a metaphorical revolving door, but an enjoyable one because it has kept moving without a sign of slowing. I’ve been going from one world to the other seamlessly with very little transition. I’ve seen both worlds from all angles, and now I’ve fully immersed in my new world yet again, and I look back and realize how much I loved this past door.
So what’s kept me from writing? I meant to write something about the Pan-Mass Challenge, a 196-mile bike ride to benefit cancer research, but I couldn’t find the words to do the cause justice and as a result, it slipped through my fingers. Then came the end of camp. A week of grueling physical labor of putting stuff away, carrying stuff around camp and into storage, late nights, and lots of paperwork. I meant to write about endings, but it would have been too similar to my entry on beginnings because they are, after all, the same. (Much like entries and exits – and in a revolving door, there is no ‘push/pull’ distinction, it’s all a walk forward…) (ooh…the metaphor continues!)
After camp was over, I packed my stuff up and moved. I’m back in NYC now in a new neighborhood. I’m no longer in student housing. I am no longer an RA. I am no longer a live-in babysitter for freshman. I no longer need to be responsible for others; I can finally just live my life. (And it doesn’t hurt that I can keep a bottle of wine or scotch on hand.) I’m finally in a world that is my world, and not someone else’s world that I play in.
And now that I’m in my world, I’m taking care of myself. I joined a gym – and for what I’m paying, damn straight I’m going 3-4 times a week! I’m working. I’m keeping a regular schedule. I’m getting to sleep before 2…on most nights. (Not tonight.) But most of all, I’m not letting myself get scared of revolving doors.
After all – all I need to do is keep walking forward and I end up in another world. The last couple revolving doors have brought me places I like, so I guess I’ll just keep going with it.
Oh – how it’s good to be back.
I've definitely viewed things (life, events) as semi-cyclical, and so enjoyed reading your thoughts on beginnings, endings, and revolving doors. More than anything else, I fear stagnation and being trapped in the middle, either stuck completely, or spinning endlessly without an exit. This summer's brought a lot of change for me too, and for awhile, I'll admit it was sorta scary. But I think I'm through this door, and looking onwards to the next.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, Alex. It's good to have you around again.