That's going to be the name of the next piece of music I finish -- even if it isn't actually in E-minor. (In fact, I'd expect it to NOT be in E-minor...)
But I digress...
It's Yom Kippur, and all that time, standing, alone with thoughts and no food, it's a time of forced self-reflection. I've had a few years where that's scared me tremendously -- and honestly, this year is one of them. It's not that I'm scared of what I'll find in my actions of the past year or about the person inside me, but rather of my state-of-being in the right-now.
I'm in a transitional phase. I just gave two weeks notice at work, I've started dating again (Oh the stories I won't tell here...), I'm in the process of filling out law school applications, and I'm writing cover-letters galore.
I've had 6 weeks of insomnia, my creative output -- both musically and linguistically -- is WAY down, my frustration level about said creative output is way up, and I've been focusing internally on too much negative and not enough positive.
The upsides, though: I'm taking care of myself well. After having a couple weeks in August when I couldn't walk because of a knee injury, I've been rehabing well and am back to being in great shape. I'm eating better again. I'm even doing something I haven't done in 3 years -- shaving daily. (Okay, not this week...it was a BAD week. But other than this week...it's been a lot closer to daily than usual. We're talking 5 days a week and then taking the weekend off...)
Overall, I guess I'm happy at what's looking back at me in the mirror.
Now how to write about it so prospective employeers and educators like what they see, too...
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thoughts while resigning
This Friday, I submitted two weeks notice at my job. This post isn't about the reasons behind it, but suffice it to say, sometimes we have to take a very large risk and leave a secure situation in order to maintain sanity and happiness. But that's not the point.
This, of course, caused me to get thinking...about everything.
This is the first time I've ever quit from anything. (I know what you're thinking: How is that possible? Nothing? Really? Ever?! I did quit a summer job once, but that wasn't quite like this. It was a $9.75/hour lifeguarding job where I was mistreated. I felt no guilt quitting there. And I was part of a slew of (3?) people who quit all within a day or two. My extracurriculars were never me walking away -- and even when I did walk away, I stayed involved and hadn't really quit. I've never even "quit" a relationship -- always been "fired" so to speak, but that's a discussion for another time.)
So this quitting thing -- it's really kind of scary. It's hard to take a look and say that you're in a situation where the only thing that makes sense any more is to leave and that things cannot -- or should not -- be worked out. And there's nothing scarier than saying "I'm not sure what comes next, but it's going to be better than this and I can't wait for it to find me, I have to find it -- and I may have to be unemployed to find it."
Bottom line -- it's life-changing. It's an experience everyone should have once. Just make sure to have support. It may be an individual decision, but it's one nobody should have to make alone.
Right now, I think it may be the best thing I've ever done. Get back to me in two weeks, though...
This, of course, caused me to get thinking...about everything.
This is the first time I've ever quit from anything. (I know what you're thinking: How is that possible? Nothing? Really? Ever?! I did quit a summer job once, but that wasn't quite like this. It was a $9.75/hour lifeguarding job where I was mistreated. I felt no guilt quitting there. And I was part of a slew of (3?) people who quit all within a day or two. My extracurriculars were never me walking away -- and even when I did walk away, I stayed involved and hadn't really quit. I've never even "quit" a relationship -- always been "fired" so to speak, but that's a discussion for another time.)
So this quitting thing -- it's really kind of scary. It's hard to take a look and say that you're in a situation where the only thing that makes sense any more is to leave and that things cannot -- or should not -- be worked out. And there's nothing scarier than saying "I'm not sure what comes next, but it's going to be better than this and I can't wait for it to find me, I have to find it -- and I may have to be unemployed to find it."
Bottom line -- it's life-changing. It's an experience everyone should have once. Just make sure to have support. It may be an individual decision, but it's one nobody should have to make alone.
Right now, I think it may be the best thing I've ever done. Get back to me in two weeks, though...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Crickets
I've been living in the middle of Brooklyn for just shy of 3 months. Before then, I spent just under 5 years in Manhattan (with the occasional 2-months on Cape Cod), and while I loved Manhattan, I missed crickets. And stars. And space. Did I forget to mention space?
But back to the crickets:
There's something I love about sitting in my apartment at night and hearing nature coming from outside, as opposed to the reverberation of air conditioning through an air shaft, or worse yet, nothing at all.
And nighttime walks are best with a side of nature-sounds. And stars and the moon.
I'll miss the hustle and bustle of the sounds of Manhattan Nature Sounds, but I think I'll manage.
But back to the crickets:
There's something I love about sitting in my apartment at night and hearing nature coming from outside, as opposed to the reverberation of air conditioning through an air shaft, or worse yet, nothing at all.
And nighttime walks are best with a side of nature-sounds. And stars and the moon.
I'll miss the hustle and bustle of the sounds of Manhattan Nature Sounds, but I think I'll manage.
Friday, September 4, 2009
New Notebook
I opened up a new notebook while on the subway after work today. I opened it up and wrote the following...
--
Ahh -- the joys of a new notebook. Pages clean, crisp, smooth. Full of potential...and fear.
In one sentence, it can be the start of the great masterpiece, or the journal posthumously published, letting the world fully experience you.
Or it can be ruined in that same one sentence, a crossed out line leads to a crossed out paragraph leads to a torn out page.
New notebooks make me nervous, but I guess it's better to write rather than just stare at a new, empty notebook for too long.
After all -- notbooks are made to be defiled.
It feels good to write again -- because a notbebook is new only once; tearing off the shrink-wrap is wonderful.
It's good to face the fears.
--
Tonight, I can say very happily that I didn't tear any of those three pages out of the notebook. I may tear a later one, but for now, I'm just glad to have gotten the page dirty.
And not just the notebook's.
--
Ahh -- the joys of a new notebook. Pages clean, crisp, smooth. Full of potential...and fear.
In one sentence, it can be the start of the great masterpiece, or the journal posthumously published, letting the world fully experience you.
Or it can be ruined in that same one sentence, a crossed out line leads to a crossed out paragraph leads to a torn out page.
New notebooks make me nervous, but I guess it's better to write rather than just stare at a new, empty notebook for too long.
After all -- notbooks are made to be defiled.
It feels good to write again -- because a notbebook is new only once; tearing off the shrink-wrap is wonderful.
It's good to face the fears.
--
Tonight, I can say very happily that I didn't tear any of those three pages out of the notebook. I may tear a later one, but for now, I'm just glad to have gotten the page dirty.
And not just the notebook's.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
